Diary of a Racomophexist

My version of the bible

2007-05-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

News and shit (may 24th): Okay, i know you're used to me ranting about badass things and swearing, etc. etc. But this has been on my mind for a while. Warning: This rant contains intelligence. By the way, sorry for the lack of updates but ever since blogger pretty much forced me to change my account to a google account everything has been fucking up and i haven't been able to get on. Fuck google. Maybe I'll rant about it sometime.

You cannot proove the existence of a creator. There is no possible way you can do this. Want to hear my version of the bible? Ok, here it is. 1 day = Several thousand to 1 billion years.

On the first day, in a small puddle of a liquid containing the components for life, god diddn't create man. Instead, all the materials merged together and formed a microsopic group of single celled organisims. They multiplied and eventually filled the puddle. Then the tide came in and washed the organisims into the ocean.

On the second day the microsopic organisims started to adapt to their surroundings, and began to grow. Eventually they took shape and formed into very small fish. Some fish, were able to avoid danger and managed to increase their population. Over millions of years the fish who were able to survive evolved into larger and better fish, while the other fishes population declined, and were eaten by the larger fish. This is called natural selection.

On the third day, the fish began to evolve into larger, better fish. These fish started to move closer to the shorelines, and eventually evolved legs so they can walk onto shore. Over several million years the fish were so used to the shore that they no longer needed to retreat to the water to survive. They evolved into the first animals. These animals began to adapt to their surroundings, developing camoflauge and defense, such as spines or fangs.

On the fourth day, the animals started to grow into large animals, with fangs. Dinosaurs. The dinosaurs roamed the lands of the earth, adapting to their enviroments, and evolving things such as long necks for the herbavores and claws for the carnivores. Then, a large space rock managed to survive burning up in the earth's atmosphere, and hit the planet. When this hit, everything higher than a human knee went extinct.

On the sixth day, the small rodents and other creatures evolved into mammals. They grew legs and hair, noses, eyes, etc. And one of those rodents evolved into small monkeys. Those monkeys evolved into chimpanzees. Those chimpanzees evolved into very early humans, who developed into neanderthals, who eventually developed into humans.

On the seventh day, the humans began worshipping gods. At first they worshipped animal-human hybrids, then they moved on to human gods, and eventually wrote a book about a single god. Thousands of years later, a group of scientists discovered everything i just told you, prooved it happened, and it began being taught in schools. Well, the rednecks, who still beleived in god wanted their theory (a magic man done it) to be taught in schools. Then there was a big controversy and shit hit the fan. After a large debate, the rednecks chose to make their own museum teaching that the dinosaurs lived with the humans and that everything was created in a week. A week my ass.

Sports vs Video games

2007-05-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, why in the fuck do all gatorade commercials contain some greasy old nasty average jock, average culturally diverse black guy, or average empowering independent woman playing sports and sweating gatorade? Yesterday i was watching one and there was some bony flat chested bitch in gym clothes with orange sweat stains all over her nasty old shirt, especially in the armpit area. Yeah, that's really going to make me want to drink gatorade you dumb shits. Why the hell would they think for even a second that making their sports drink look like dirty old athlete sweat would make it appealing to drink?

Women aren't supposed to work out, or work in general. They are supposed to cook, clean, birth children, and let the men support their families. Men don't find sweaty women attractive, or muscular woman attractive. Women arent supposed to be muscular. They are supposed to be thin, not anorexic, not fat, not muscular. Aprons only come in one size: Thin.

Sports is nothing but a tiring waste of time. You don't accomplish anything from playing sports. Okay, some of you might say "you get strong, loose weight, and it's fun", and i'm going to counter by saying "you can get strong at a gym, you can loose weight by not eating so much you fucking glutton, and i wouldn't call purposeley putting yourself into danger is fun. Not to mention you get get dirty, you look (and smell) like shit, and you don't get anything out of it other than the 50% chance of gaining some sort of satisfaction from winning.

With video games, however, you don't get dirty, you may or may not smell like shit depending on weither or not you shower between checkpoints, and you get a 100% chance of satisfaction because if you loose you can just restart the mission/level. There's a large selection of games Also, you can't kill a locust horde with a basketball.

Schools need to stop glorifying sports. I have so many things i would rather do than gym class. I do fine in gym, i'm a B student, but it doesn't mean i have to enjoy it. Basketball, volleyball, and the worst: badmonton. Why can't gym class be optional? Did you know at my school "technology education" means woodshop? Our computer labs are filled with shitty old computers, and our gym is filled with new balls and badmonton rackets. Sports suck ass, and they're a waste of time.

Old people and the internet

2007-04-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

News and shit (april 23, '07): I've taken most of the small posts off the blog. That is, videos, the april fools joke, the post where i mocked maddox, and most of the posts that arent the mainstream, 3-6 paragraph rants. Don't worry, they're still there, i'll just be moving them somewhere else so it's easier for people who just wan't to read the rants to do so without having to sift through all the bullshit.

Why the fuck do old people have to ruin the internet for everyone else? In real life, i don't mind them. I mean they go around and drink their prune juice and rub their arthritis cream or whatever, and in other words they mind their own buisness and everyone else minds theirs. I'm not like maddox, i don't think they should be shot into the sun or eaten. But when old people are given computers, it pisses me right the fuck off. Old people and computers do not mix. Infact, anyone who is 40+ should not have access to computers. They just don't understand the internet.

When an old noob first enters the internet, they think of it as a magical, wonderful fucking land of happiness and joy and vajoynas. Usually, they start off with a hotmail account, in which they exchange shitty joke emails and cartoons where the characters are really big and wide and have long thin heads. You know the ones i'm talking about. And the worst thing, is they somehow manage to find your email and the send you this shit. It is the garbage of the internet. They just keep sending you shitty emeail after shitty email. The ABSOLUTE WORST form of email you can get from them is "brighten your day" emails. I fucking hate them with all my soul, and i'm an athiest, i don't even have a soul. That's how much i hate them.

Most of the time they contain a picture of a teddy bear, or a fucking baby angel/cupid thing (fucking hate those little cock suckers) and some god damn poem about love and god and all that bullshit middle aged women talk about. Most OFNs (old fucking noobs) are middle aged women. And it's no use adding them to your junk mail, because by the time you do you're already traumatized. And just when you manage to get everything under control and you start to relax and forget about the day your life was darkened to a point of madness: They get msn messenger.

FUCKING FUCK Don't even get me started on msn. Personally, i don't know how in the fuck they manage to get all these animated gifs. There is practically no words, it's all icons. And sometimes the icon isn't the word, like, lol would be some smiley face laughing. God damn i hate that. I FUCKING HATE IT. And they don't shut up. They just don't. They ask you too many questions, and you can't answer them because their stupid fucking OFN emoticon words arent readable. Don't bother blocking them, because after about 3 days they WILL know you blocked them. Trust me. My OFN mother has had msn for nearly 3 months and she still knows if i block her or not because she only has about 6 people on her list. I have 171. Luckily she dosent send me those emails.

I absoluteley hate when OFNs use gifs, emoticons or any of that bullshit. Because they never go to sites with quality gifs. It's always some shitty site with gifs that look like they were made in the 90's. They never exceed 5 frames either. Ever see the low bandwith site for the aqua teen hunger force movie? Go here: http://www.adultswim.com/shows/athf/movie/indexLb.html These are the kinds of gifs i am talking about. By the way i lmao'ed the first time i saw that. I haven't included rasputin in any of my latest rants, so i put a picture of him ravng up there in the middle of the article for no reason. Incase you're wondering why it's there.

The bottom line is that ofn's make the internet an akward place and in my opinion the solution to this problem is to only let decendents of 1337speakers and veteran internet users use the internet. And they must be under 40. Holy fuck this is a long rant. This must be the longest yet. Anyway i trust you enjoyed it?

104 385 OFN's have had this rant sent to them in the email.

Lperchauns and Nazis

2007-04-16T15:19:00.001-07:00

News and shit(Apr. 16th, 06): To my literally tens of fans, here you are, an update. And yes, my previous post was an april fools joke.

Dude, don't even get me started. First of all, no one, including nazis should ever fuck with leperchauns. No one. Do you think, for one second that if a nazi came up to a leperchaun and yelled out loud german words that that leperchaun would take shit from it? Fuck no, it would kick it's mother fucking nazi ass.

And i'm not saying this because i'm one of those sensitive, "politically crorrect" assholes, because i'm not. I can understand how the nazis wanted the jew's jew gold. But whenever you hear people make up something badass what is it? Zombie ninja pirate cyborg nazi jesus, nazi viking dinosaur tampon remote pencil toilet- well, now i'm just naming random things off but you get what i'm saying right? Nazis are apparentley badass, and everyone knows that anything badass has an equal badass rival (asside from chuck norris, as chuck norris kicks the shit out of all) and they will fight to the death for all eternity. Pirates and ninjas, robots and cyborgs, werewolfs and vampires, pixies and faeries. Well, leperchauns have nazis.

While i was typing this rant i put a midgets head on the terminators body and then gave him a leperchaun hat. Just to show how badass leperchauns are. And i have gimp, which is like the welfare version of photoshop, so no more uneven, non-blurred shit paint pictures. It just shows the badassness of leperchauns. All leperchauns look like this. Fuck that green pot-o-gold steryotype. Leperchauns have machine guns and kill nazis with their laser vision. Oh, did i mention leperchauns have laser vision? Yeah, all badass things have laser vision. Except cowboys, because cowboys arent badass. Ever wonder why there are no cowgirls (except for lesbians)? It's because cowboys are gay. Leperchauns are also the sworn enemy of cowboys. And everything else, except pirates, and vikings.

Aint that badass? Yeah, check out that lucky charm. Wait, that's not a lucky charm at all...it's a machine gun.

I was going to put neelix from star trek: voyager in here but i diddn't. Mabye a future rant.

It's not the size that counts

2007-03-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

Fuck whoever the fuck reclassified pluto. Where do they get off deciding what a planet is? It's like 30 bald scientist douchebags v.s. 6.5 billion people who think pluto is a planet. Pluto was just, you know, minding its own buisness being a planet. Then those douchebags had to go and ruin pluto's life. I heard that charon is considering leaving him too.

In my opinion, if it's round it's a planet. You chuck a ping pong ball at the sun and it starts going around, it's a planet. What i wan't to know is when the fuck's it going to get like star trek. Space sucks ass right now. All those gay looking space probes that look like they're made out of tin foil, with their gay assed solar panels and antennas. You think voyager's going to impress some alien species 25 000 years from now when it reaches another planet? I don't think so. They'll probably use it to wipe their hairy snorklons.

You know what's a really good animation discussing alien life on other planets? Space people. I love that. With the mullet guy who has a guitar and the fat little alien heads. It truly is a very informative and intamullectshoeal video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpgAq579cRA

Blackfuckingbeard

2007-02-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

News and shit (Feb. 24th '07): I, unlike maddox have just given you three rants in one week. Enjoy them. Also, i am now listed on www.rantlister.com (Formerly bobsmash.com)

So here i am, drinking some pop (out of a stein, the most piratley form of drinking container) and eating some ketchup chips, when i searched "blackbeard kicks ass" on google expecting to come up with thousands of results, but guess what i found? JACK SHIT! What kind of a world do we live in where a man can search "blackbeard kicks ass" and not get any fucking results? This is an outrage. So, in this post i will point out how much blackbeard kicks ass, and when future generations search "blackbeard kicks ass" into google they will actually find something. But first, i will make sure people wind up reading this by adding some keywords.

Blackbeard, Black beard, blackbeard kicks ass, kickass, kicks ass, blackbeard is the shit, edward teech, edward teach, pirate

There, that should do it. If you live in the early 18th century, let me give you a word of advice: DON'T FUCK WITH BLACKBEARD. Blackbeard was the chuck norris of the high seas. Jack sparrow aint got nothing on blackbeard. Jack sparrow, even though i dont hate him, (infact pirates of the carribean is probably the best movie series known to man) tricks people and uses long words to get out of sticky situations. Blackbeard dosent get into sticky situations because everyone is scared shitless of him. Although if i ever met blackbeard i wouldnt cower in fear, i would get on my knees and bow down to him, saying "I am not worthy of your awesome presence" and then i would join his crew and it would be the shit.

Blackbeard took 20 cutlass wounds and was shot 5 times before he finally felt sorry for Robert Maynard because robert maynard was a pussy who couldnt kill anyone and allowed him to cut his head off. And even after that he swam around the boat without a head. And to this very day, blackbeard's headless body swims the waters of the north atlantic, fighting giant squid and eating their babies. Even though blackbeard dosent have a head, he can still eat them because he is badass.

Think about it. Most people bitch when they get a papercut that it hurts right? Well a cutlass wound is about 100 itmes worse than that. Thats 2000 paper cuts. And a gunshot wound is like 1000 paper cuts so 5000 paper cuts. Imagine getting 7000 paper cuts. Thats what happened to blackbeard, and he diddnt even give a shit. That there's a real man. Alot of women think they can decide what a real man is. They say things like "a real man is someone who cuddles with their girl, and leaves the seat down, and is sensitive". Wrong bitch, infact you seem to be describing a woman. Fucking stupid dyke. A real man is someone who can scare merchant ships into giving them all of their cargo literally without bringing out a single sword. Or who has such a manly beard that they were actually named after it. Blackbeard had something like 14 teenage wives, wich he whored out to other men for money and watched them while they did it as to say "you're my property now, and i'm going to rent you out to everyone because i'm blackbeard, bitch."

Fried fuckin and fuckermelon

2007-02-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

Okay, i dont hate black people. They dont bother me. But black history month is fucking stupid. Who the fuck cares if Martin Luthor King jr. made a fucking speech or if Rosa parks sat in the front of the bus? Good thing febuary is the shortest month of the year. Alot of people wonder why there is no white history month, and people say it's because white people cause problems for everyone else (which is bullshit by the way) but the real reason is because white people cant fit all of our accomplishments into a single month. We need 11 months.

Too many non-whites bitch about us. They act like every white person's ancestors were slave owners. Thats like saying every indian's ancestors were cannibals, although they probably were, i'm just using them as an example. Anyway, all of these minorities need to fuck off. Who invented electricity? A white man. Who discovered the americas? A white man. Who founded kfc? A white man. Yeah, a white man. Colonel sanders was so white his beard and clothes were white. So all you blacks should be greatful, instead of calling us crackers do something nice like thank us for the chicken.

Like i said, i dont give two shits about black people. I dont yell nigger when i see a black guy. But when african culture is forced upon me it pisses me off. I cant stand doing a project on a famous black person, or drawing some african pattern in art class. Why couldnt africans have chosen brighter colours? You know, lime green, or baby blue. All the colours they use in their clothes and shit are bland and boring.

Not to mention the fact that not every black person is from africa, they could be from anywhere from jamaca to....jamaca, but i'm sure theres other non-jamacan countries with black people. If you see an egyptian you dont think "he's an african". But seeing as egypt is and african country he is infact an african. Labeling someone based on a continent is stupid anyway. Thats like calling me a north american, it sounds stupid. Fuck black history month, fuck diversity, fuck other cultures and fuck mcdonalds employees. I fucking ordered a fillet o fish and got a bun, fish patty and tartar sauce. I had to put it together myself. And they diddnt even give me a straw so i had to take out all of the ice and drink it manually, so it got all warm. Fucking pricks...

Bull fuck the wii in the ass with a fuck stick

2007-02-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

News and shit (Feb. 21'st '07): Fanmail? Hatemail? Send them to racomophexist @ hotmail.com (remove the spaces) or add me to msn for direct conversation. If you would like to interview me, or list me on your website email me with IMP in the subject line.

Dear diary,

Fuck the wii. What kind of a stupid ass name is wii? I thought the revolution was the shit, it looked nice, and i was excited about being able to download old nintendo games. Untill i saw what the controller looked like. If i want to fuck around with a remote all day then i willl watch tv. The only comfortable controllers are the ones that are shaped like boomerangs. No, not the prototype ps3 controller, i mean the ps1, ps2, ps3, gamecube and xbox 360 controllers. They are made like that for a reason, so they are comfortable to hold. Even the n64's M shaped controller is better than the wii's. And yeah, theres another normal controller, but it looks like a fucking ripoff of the snes controller, wich was also uncomfortable. The reason i diddnt mention the xbox controller is because maddox is right, it sucks balls.

The controller diddnt bug me as much as the name. Who the fuck would want a wii? Sure, it means some stupid shit in japanese, but pretty much EVERYWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET it sounds like shit. If some dipshit came up to me and said "Hey, want to come play with my wii?" I would punch them in the face. Speaking of not thinking of other languages, what about the french? Think about it, the nintendo yes. That sounds shitty. Nintendo is retarded anyway. The only thing that kept them alive during the fifth generation was rareware, who left nintendo for microsoft. And i'm glad they did, otherwise banjo kazooie 3 would probably never be made and rare would be making alot more shitty kids games than viva piniata.

Another dumbass move was the graphics. If your two competitors come out with systems with great graphics, you come out with a system that has equal or greater graphics. I know alot of you think graphics dont make a good game but the fact is they do. What if gears of war was 2d like doom? It would be pretty shitty wouldnt it? You cant have the same graphics every generation, that would suck balls. Cartman, you froze yourself for nothing.

I should make a video game where you play a witch doctor on a quest to destroy evil wii spirits with your magic laser vision while riding a robot dinosaur that has a pirate hat. Oh, and the witch doctor will be from pluto. No wait uranus, thats alot more believable. Thats a fucking awesome idea. I'm totally making that game.

A bunch of fucking rants piled into one

2007-02-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

News and shit (Monday Febuary 12th 2007): Fuck the live action figure thing. Im too fucking lazy. And i changed the news and updates bull shit because apparentley i was doing it wrong and pissing people off. Balls. I think i'll fucking start swearing alot more. Swearing fucking kicks ass.

Fuck supersize me. Know what is better than supersize me? Every fucking movie ever made. Even that peice of shit date movie. Thanks to that fucking fuck movie whenever i try to sit down and enjoy my fucking big mac and my upsized fries i hear "OMFG R U CRASEY DEY AR EEFEL ND STUFFS!!1!1!LOL" No, fuck you you fuck, its food, you eat it. Its not 45% cow shit, its not made from monkeys, it wont make you fat. If you are a douche and figure out a fucking way to get rich by filming yourself eating nothing but mcdonalds for a fucking month you will obviously turn into a fat fucking sick tub of fucking lard fuck. Know who wouldnt take shit from the supersize me guy? Fucking blackbeard. This bings me to my next god damn fucking fuck topic.

Fuck ninjas. What the FUCK have ninjas ever done for the world? Huh? They walk around thinking they are all high and mighty with their shirkens or whatever the fuck they're called and fucking cant even be seen. They are worthless murderers, unlike wholesome, family fucking freindly pirates. I would love to see jigsaw catch one of those fucking fucks and make them pay for being a ninja in one of those fucking awesome torture devices of his. Probably the only cool fucking ninja is the fucking ninja from ask a ninja because he makes me laugh. But he is not a real ninja, he is a fucking actor. The main thing is, ninjas dont do anything. Fuck, if it wasnt for pirates we would all be fuckng eaten by a bunch of fucking bull-shitty krakens and shit. Speaking of pirates....

Maddox no longer amuses me. So fucking what if he wrote a book, he needs to write some new updates or else he's gonna find his ass back in that fucking office building where he used to fucking do all that bull shit he did. You wont be making a fucking living off of your site if you dont fucking update, jesus. Dont blame it on verizon either. There were only like 4 updates in 2006, only 2 of them were any good. I bet his next rant will be about verizon, in other words some fucking bull shit i dont give a shit about. Speaking of maddox rants...

All of you fucking nintendo fucks need to get off of sony's back. Sony kicks ass for one fucking reason: God of war. And dont call me a sony fanboy you little bastards, i'm a fucking former nintendo fanboy. Until the revolution was renamed wii. That crossed the fucking line for me. Holy fuck, there was only three fucking good gamecube games, super mario sunshine, paper mario, and luigis fucking mansion. I'm fucking neutral, i am the proud owner of an xbox 360. Actually the only fucking reason i bought a 360 over a ps3 was for Banjo-Ka-fucking-zooie 3 wich was fucking announched in septembullshit.

Banjo kazooie is the mother fucking shit. Call it whatever you want, but i say it fucking kicks ass. It's better than kameo. Fuck that game sucked balls. It was too fucking short and you cant explore the fucking fuck levels afterwards. If kameo was anything like banjo-tooie it would be a super smash hit. And if diddy kong racing was anything like banjo-pilot it would be the shit too. What the fuck is up with banjo and conker being taken out of diddy kong racing ds? Fuck off rare, thats bullshit. I think i should write gaming reviews too. Fuck this shit i'm thirsty and need some fucking god damn pepsi or something fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

Godzilla

2007-02-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

News & Updates (05/02/07): Live action godzilla v..s. rasputin image coming soon, i just need to pick up a godzilla action figure. I might drop the whole putting rasputin in all my rants thing, its becoming too much of an effort trying to find a way for him to fit into all of my rants, although he will still remain my mascot because he kicks ass.

Dear diary,

Godzilla dosent take shit from anyone. Not even chuck norris. I know i said that about stephen harper, but i changed my mind. Godzilla is a 200ft mutant lizzard with fire breath. If only he exploded, that would kick ass. Godzilla has a kid too, meaning he got laid by some hot giant chick who he dumped after he selpt with her and took the kid, forcing her to pay child support. I bet he impaled her on top of mt. fuji after she stopped paying, because godzilla dosent take shit from no bitch ass ho who dont pay no child support.

Alot of people blame global warming on greenhouse gasses, and all of that other bull shit (this gives me an idea for another rant) but i know the true reason the ice caps are melting. The friction from godzilla's thunder thighs rubbing together are what cause global warming. And lightning. And it probably charges his fire breath. Ever wonder what caused the 2004 tsunami? It wasnt an earthquake, thats for sure. It was from godzilla taking a massive shit in the ocean.

And now for no apparent reason: Tacos.

Fuck Anime

2007-01-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

News & Updates (20/01/07): New layout soon, this shitty default blogspot peice of shit is shit. Also, i have been added to the list on www.BobSmash.com so...thanks *thumbs up*

Dear diary,

My freind is a nerd. An, emo, anime nerd. But he is the only other guy in my class who knows leatspeek, and he sits beside me in every class for some reason. My day is filled with tales of naruto and how giaiaiaaiaia (Or however the fuck it's spelled) is better than second life. You cant get a virtual blowjob from an anthromorphic tiger with 3 boobs while standing on top of an airship 300 feet in the air on giaiaiaaiaia.

What the fuck is anime anyway? Remember the old spiderman cartoon series where like, they played the same clips of him swinging in every eppisode, and the ony thing that moved were the characters mouths? Well anime is sort of like that, but not quite. So, i have created a comparrison for you:

There, i think thats a pretty good comparrison. When i was about.....oh i dont know, 6 or 7 the big fad was pokemon. I had the cards, the games, i even had the official pokemon the movie 2000 poster that was in the box outside the theatre (my uncle worked there). That fad lasted about a year, and then the digimon fad came along. And it got me thinking: Every few years
an anime comes out for kids to drain their parents of money that could be going into their college fund. So, i diddnt buy into the digimon fad. Or the Yu-Gi-Oh fad. Then i wound up in junior high and stopped giving a shit about tv.

The worst anime ever made is Inuyasha. Fuck i hate Inuyasha. Its so...i dont know, fucked. Like, my cousin was babbling about it the other day and he said something about the Inuyasha dude having a 12 year old girlfreind or something. The fucked up pedo bastard. Seriously, what in the fuck. The only good anime is...mabye the boondocks, but only because uncle ruckus if fucking hilarious. Speaking about racisim, the irony in anime is that its japanese, but the caracters eyes are fucking huge. Once again, fuck anime (But not hentai tentacle rape):

Stephen Danger Harper

2007-01-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

Stephen harper kicks ass. I dont know why, i just decided he does the other day. Stephen harper is a young, hip 47 year old leader. Unlike that geezer george bush. Stephen harper dosent take shit from anybody. He just looks at them and they immediatley fuck off. Actually i dont think ive ever heard him talk to be honest.

Paul martin: GEEZER
Jean Chrétien/Poutine: GEEZER
Kim Campbell: GRANDMA
Brian Mulroney: GEEZER
John Turner: GEEZER
Joe Clark: GEEZER

One time pamela anderson wanted to bitch to Stephen about the seal hunt, she begged for him to allow her the privelage of meeting with him but stephen harper declined. Actually, he diddnt decline, he used his lazer vision to pop her left boob and then roundhouse kicked her right one, causing it to puncture and make a high pitched hissing noise. Thats why its hard to tell if she is bitching about something no one cares about, or if her tit is just loosing more air.

I dont know what stephen harper does, except that he's the prime minister of canada but personally i dont give a shit. Stephen harper dosent have to do jack shit and he will still get re-elected becuause he kicks so much ass. He could kill babies and still get re-elected. Infact, it happened the first time he was elected, but that was only because he was hungry and some wild beast baby came flying at him, demanding a kiss. Stephen gave it a kiss alright, the kiss of death. He put some BBQ sauce on it and ate it alive.

One time, when canada was infested with zombie prime ministers, steven harper and rasputin (i need to fit him in here somewhere) teamed up to defeat the evil prime ministers. Pierre trudeau and John Abbot had rasputin cornered, while John Diefenbaker (lol, Diefenbaker) and Lester Pearson had Harper cornered. Rasputin diddnt have a blunt object, so Stephen threw him the cricket paddle he had been holding and used his fire breath to double kill Diefenbaker and Pearson. Rasputin totally pwned Trudeau and Abbot and then Stephen accidentally blew up all of quebec, because stephen harper dosent take shit from those french fuckers.

Evil ninja seals

2007-01-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

I fucking hate harp seals. With their beady little eyes, and all they do is flop around and eat cod. Its eerie, creeps me out. The little fuckers are everywhere too. Thank god for the brave seal hunters, who smash their creepy ass seal heads in with a seledgehammer, ice pick, bat, or shoot them between the eyes with a rifle. Incase you havent already guessed, this is an animal rights rant.

These mother fuckers at peta, greenpeace, the alf etc. dont think before they speak. They just say it. They are dipshits. They wouldnt move their little fingers if it was a fat old walrus hunt. The fact is, they assume (i dont see where they get this from) that the harp seals are cute, and therefore they dont deserve to be hunted. Bull shit, just because polar bears are cute dosent mean they wont rip your fucking face off with one swift swipe of their paw. The same thing goes for harp seals, they have all these ninja moves that they use on unsuspecting newfies when they arent looking. Harp seals are dangerous, and must be put to a stop.

Some fucking asshole named Morrissey took canada out of his world tour because of the hunt. Well then, i guess it isnt a world tour is it? What a douche. He automatically assumes all of canada is covered in ice and that we all hunt seals. Fine, take canada off your shitty tour. You're the one loosing the money. And of course pamela anderson bitched about it. She bitches about everything animal related. Pamela anderson dosent even deserve a mini rant, shes too big of a bitch.

The seal hunt is not only a major source of income for newfoundland, but it also balances the seal population and keeps the cod numbers high. The canadian government isnt going to stop the seal hunt just because a bunch of asshole american celebrities come to canada and get involved with canadian buisness.

But of course the biggest dipshit of them all is Paul McCartney. Did you know that asshole mistook prince edward island for newfoundland? Thats a perfect sign that he dosent know what the fuck he was doing, and neither did his fucked up ex-wife. He came to canada, and expected the hunters to simply stand aside and let them protest their jobs. Well they diddnt. The hunters fucked with them, and the McCartneys acted shocked. Thats what they get for fucking around with something they dont know shit about. I hope that asshole comes back to canada during the 2007 hunt, so i can bitch about him some more.

Smokers are jokers

2007-01-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

Today in class we had to watch an anti-smoking video. It was like, you know, like, one of those like videos where like you know like a bunch of like teens like talk about like, you know like how bad like smoking is and "like" is like, every like second word they like, say. They had that gritty looking text that every anti-smoking poster has. The kind that looks all dirty. And of course they showed plenty of those pictures of shriveled up old lungs that look like a heart spewing out omlettes.

It was pretty hard to watch, seeing as the camera man must've been on crack. The camera wobbled, it zoomed in and out at random places, and it blurred. The picture stretched and shifted, and some parts looked like they filmed a tv that was playing the video. I guess they did that to appeal to the hardcore generation X kids who are too cool to watch a normal fucking video.

Im mature enough to know what happens if i smoke, and i decided a long time ago that i wont smoke. But i dont hate smokers. The video i had to watch made smokers and cigarette companies look like the bad guys. Its extremeley stupid. Most cigarette companies were established over a hundred years ago, back before anyone knew smoking caused cancer. They arent going to shut down just because some assholes, who chose to smoke sue them because they got lung cancer. Tough shit, you decided to smoke, you will die for it. They act like if you smoke you WILL die young. My great uncle was 75 when he died of lung cancer in 2004. I dont even know if he smoked or if second hand smoke caused it, but the main thing is he was seventy five fucking years old when he died.

I honestly dont know why i put a picture of rasputin in all of my rants, but he fucking kicked ass so im putting one in them. Anyway, back on topic. In canada, it is illegal to smoke indoors. Bars, resturaunts, malls, etc. What sickens me is that the government acts proud of it. Just like legalizing gay marriage, taking blt's (slot machines, not sandwiches) out of certen bars, and letting paul and heather mc cartney into canada, criminalizing indoor smoking makes me ashamed to call myself a canadian. Whats next, Making smoking illegal in your own home? Give me a fucking break.

Gangster Wannabees

2007-01-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

I cant stand gangster wannabees. You know, the wiggers who go around your school and or workplace in baggy jeans, long shirts and chains. They call themselves hard gangsters, but their real name is timmy and they live in a townhouse somewhere in the suberbs. These people waste their teenage life away thinking they will grow up as a famous rapper living in a mansion with tons of bitches and hoez when actually they will grow up living on welfare in some shitty appartment, with a 350 pound girlfreind wishing they wouldve paid attention in school instead of smoke dope in the alley and listening to rap. Name one white rapper except Eminem. Ill give you untill the count of ten: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.

Seeing as music sucks, and i dont want to be some prissy pants bandie, i chose art class out of the three. I wish i wouldve chosen music. My art class is filled with gangster wannabees. I usually ignore them, but its hard to ignore something that sings along to the shitty rap cd's they all bring in. I cant beleive the teacher lets them listen to that crap. Mabye she should stop and think that mabye some of the other students dont like crap- i mean rap music.

"Oh, i iz a hardcore G. Fiddy Cent bitches". Yeah, you'll be real hardcore when you're getting fucked up the ass by a fat convict named Edd in the prison shower. Heres something for you: Dope, crack, posession of firearms wihout a permit, underaged drinking, underaged smoking, and assault is illegal. You will go to jail.

Im not saying you shouldnt listen to gangster rap. Infact, ive been listening to "what you know about that" by Ti while ive been writing this. But, unless youre black, you lived in a ghetto, and have been to jail then dont act like you are, did, and have been. Its pathetic and it makes you look stupid. I am however, glad that the 201o's are only 3 years away. That means a new style of music will replace gangster rap as the dominant genre. It happens every decade.

Faggityaggityaggots

2006-12-31T21:22:00.000-08:00

News & Updates (04/01/07): There seems to be alot of confusion about this rant that i would ike to clear up. I DO NOT HATE LESBIANS. They simply dont count. Lesbians rule.

Dear diary,

Today i was given negative karma (i hate karma by the way) on a forum for calling a gay video game character pointless because they were an unimportant gay frog (not fag mind you, he's an anthromorphic frog). He isnt openly gay, but rareware sure can hint it. It got me to thinking. Why is it that just because gays were given rights, people think everyone will magically tolerate them? If two dudes want to pork each other in the corn hole, so be it. But do it in the privacy of your own home.

What really bugs me is this gay pride bullshit. You have nothing to be proud of. You either bone men in the ass or men bone you in the ass. There is no gay heritage. There is no important fags in history.Was Mark Anthony a flamer? No. He banged Cleopatra, a FEMALE. Did jesus take it in the ass? Diddnt think so. Jesus probably got all the ladies because jesus was awesome. What about Blackbeard? The most awesome ass kicker of all time? Or ghengis khan? Or how about Attila the hun? Ever heard of RASPUTIN? I forget what his story was but if boney m has taught us anything its that he got plenty of pussy. He made quagmire look like a fucking nun. Name three historic fags. Too hard? Name one.

Im not a southern hick, I'm canadian. I diddnt inherit my opinions from my parents, or those around me. I hate gays because i chose to hate gays. If i think two men having sex is wrong, then thats what i think. The great thing about the internet is that you cant do shit if you dont agree.

Gay marriage is the biggest pile of horse shit out there. God created marriage for one reason: So a man and a woman can spend the rest of their lives together, and mabye pop out a kid or two in the process. Do you think anyone wants to see two old gay men french kissing on a park bench 40 years from now? No. Its disgusting. It brings back horrible memories of the time i found a lemon party image on maddox's website. Hopefully by 2047 us normal people can ship off all the unwanted minorities to other planets, then we could finally get on with our lives. Imagine a world where there are no gays to spread aids around? Imagine a world without ghettos, or terrorists, or illegal imagrants. Wait, the mexicans can stay, without them we wont have anyone to build our decks.